What even is this?

So I said a while back I was starting this…thing…about how to be a writer, and then didn’t say anything for a while. I am currently procrastinating something I have to do and thinking about this some more, so here’s some clarifying background.

Why am I writing this

Over the last handful of years, I’ve been thinking a lot about a fundamental problem with being an author who was not born independently wealthy during late-stage capitalism.

Here’s how I see the problem: You have to hustle in order to get to some point of maybe-stability, but also, the hustle will kill you. I mean that literally. Even if you achieve maybe-stability, the process of the hustle will be so deeply engrained in you that it might even kill you at the point when you can give it up simply because you don’t. In order to hustle, you’ve learned to work a certain way, to ascribe moral to certain actions. These burdens are not easily put down just because it’s possible to do so.

If you’re reading this and you’re saying, “fuck, I was really hoping Courtney was going to explain how to hustle,” I am very sorry, but you are on the wrong substack, please unsubscribe. This is the opposite. Courtney’s trying to figure out how not to hustle.

The questions then become: How do you get to a point of maybe-stability? How do you recognize what it looks like? Is there such a thing as maybe-stability in late stage capitalism? How much maybe-stability is enough? When do you know that you no longer have a choice about seeking out non-hustling? And how do you build something sustainable after you’ve launched with the motto that you’ll burn yourself to the ground if you have to?

Do I have the answers to these questions? No. Have I maybe reached some kind of internal equilibrium? Also no. But do I at least feel like I have a firm grasp on where to start? Still no.

What I do know is how to begin to identify the problems, how to discuss things I’ve tried, what works, what doesn’t… There are a number of problems that I’ve solved but then I revert to the non-solved behavior because change is hard.

Will this be helpful?

I have no idea. I’m one data point. I’m a data point that is particularly given to overthinking, and so that may have some value. I also think primarily by writing, and so these thoughts would get written down anyway. I’m just making them semi-public because I do not think I am the only person in the world struggling with what it means to be a creative during late-stage capitalism.

I doubt that anything I say will be universal—I don’t think universal things exist. But I also don’t think that anything is ever truly singular, so if talking about this is helpful to me to try and articulate and formulate my meta-opinions about work, and it’s helpful to you to see it articulated, then let’s try it.

What am I going to talk about?

I feel like all of these things and more will matter to the question:

• finances

• how to think long thoughts without thinking for a long period of time

• various long thoughts I’ve had about the process of writing

• how I trick my brain

• how my brain tricks me

• how to recognize hustle culture and avoid instilling its toxic values

• a bunch of other stuff

What this will be.

• Free. Always. It would be fucking hilarious (and by that I mean, fucking terrible) for me to…monetize my thoughts…to try and collect money…from people who probably need their coins more than me…about how to escape the worst effects of late stage capitalism…

• Speaking of which, I will use swears. If you actually know me online you probably know that.

• Substack says I should definitely try and produce things on a regular time schedule and no, again, this bit of writing about how to learn to recognize and destroy hustle culture is not gonna do that. I promise nothing, which is the only thing I’m sure I can deliver.

• Not to be used for shaming, ever, at all, for anyone. Like none of this “Courtney says you can do <blah blah> to improve your quality of life so if you don’t it’s your fault your life sucks.” Nope. We are 1000% antishame, if you don’t like anything I say that’s cool. I’m talking about what works for me. The person who knows your life best is you.

Some random personal stuff

I don’t think I have a choice any longer. I do not think that hustle will produce more, or better, work from me over any time period. Not one day. Not one week. Not one month. There was definitely a time period where it could.

At this point, it is very clear to me that hustling is the fastest way for me to get nothing done, and so what I’m trying to document here is how I’m trying to teach myself to do things another way.

I don’t know how successful I will be, but you know, let’s give it a try.